As honest as I can be.

I have been a worker for as long as I can remember. I have worked hard and always accepted the extra responsibilities and opportunities that have come from that hard work. I am so very thankful for all of the blessings and rewards that have come to me, but my heart, I think it is my heart, is uneasy.

Quite a few changes happened within a year's span. Media Play closed. I know from a Wall Street perspective it came as no shock, but from the perspective of someone who spent a major portion of time...I guess "sucked" is the only word that comes to mind. Closing was the outcome we worked so hard to prevent, and then it just happened. Powerless. That is how I felt. Without direction? That too. I started to think about the point of it all. It seemed to me that I spent a lot of time working. I had often said that work was my hobby. It dawned on me that I don't like the way that sounds. In fact, I hate it. Being honest with myself, it is not like I was saving lives, but I did enjoy the community of it. It was quite the experience and I grew, I hope, quite a bit while I was there. It still ended.

What came from the closing was a realization of reality. I realized that I spent way too much time at work. I realized that I do have more to me. Most importantly, I realized that I had been, simply, a bad husband. I regret saying the last line, but I know that it is true. By being always at work, I wasn't present. As Dylan says, "You got to serve somebody." It can be this, or it can be that. It can't be both. My abundance of time spent at work was a dashboard indicator of priorities and one that I regret. Our actions really are how we say things best.

The combination of the company's closing and some untimely passings laid a solid foundation for the overwhelming sensation of the grandness of life.

Being "on the road" has allowed much time for thought. I have mostly thought about being present, or living life. I don't mean for living life to be defined as doing the extreme, or even travelling to the unknown. I mean being present for my life. I want to stop and take inventory on a daily, even hourly, basis. I want to truly be present in my life and not let it slip past camouflaged in the everyday of it all.

I confess I made a mistake in thinking I was made for the kind of travel I am currently doing. At least, I know I am not made for it without Kirsten. Perhaps I would be better suited for it with my best friend along with me. I pray something, somehow brings me home soon.

To the point, I am on a quest to go forward. I am trying to be honest with myself. Honest enough to say what I really want, and I pray that I will have courage enough to go for it. I pray I will be smart enough to lay out sound plans to get there, and flexible enough to scrap those plans to make new ones when necessary. I hope to be a better...just better will do for now.